every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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