I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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