i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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