Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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