I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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