What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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