So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
