She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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