Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
