What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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