If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
