From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
smell my finger.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Semen is not good for contacts.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
