Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
