I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
