OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
