At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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