70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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