I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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