Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
