I wish my penis had an off switch
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Someone shit on the floor
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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