I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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