I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize