winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
