She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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