Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
