Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
