It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
