theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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