I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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