I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
