Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
