the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
