So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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