Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
