My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
