Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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