I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
