There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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