I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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