I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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