I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
