i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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