how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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