Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
