oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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