Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
