I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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