i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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