I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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