Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
