Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
