You're my little dorito
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
