And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
