everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
