A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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