I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
